


Make Me Whole Again

by AluraEmbrey



Category: Glee
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-11
Updated: 2011-09-11
Packaged: 2017-11-06 16:10:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/420796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AluraEmbrey/pseuds/AluraEmbrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tears came just seconds into the song.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make Me Whole Again

**Author's Note:**

> Written after downloading the leaked Evanescence album. This basically me right now. Except instead of Kurt, I was talking to a fairly new online friend I'm trying to help understand how I feel. Still, Blaine's story is my story, because I have always felt a connection with Blaine and I could see him having the same level of desperate devotion as I have in a situation like this.

The tears came just seconds into the song. His heart had started racing as soon as his fellow online fan instant messaged him to tell him about this event, and it was going even faster now. His entire body felt tingles running through it, anticipation in every cell. His mind had worried endlessly as he watched the download bar: What if it wasn't enough anymore? What if it wasn't good? What if he was disappointed?

The devoted fanboy in his mind told him that they weren't capable of producing anything bad. It also told him that even if it was bad, he'd buy the deluxe version and in a month and still go to see them live. Why? Because he owed them everything, they owned all of him, his very life was there's to do with as they pleased. No matter what they did in the future, he'd always love them in a desperate, pathetic sort of way.

When he hit play, he thought his hands couldn't have shaken anymore, but that stopped in seconds. The beginning measures of the song started, hard and heavy, _deep_. The loud instruments playing through his headphones pierced into his soul, making something in his stomach clinch painfully. It was coming, so soon. Just moments, until, until...

Everything was alright. The sound of Amy Lee's angelic voice filled his ears and instantly his body relaxed, no stress able to get through the cloud of pure happiness that descended on him. The soft, yet strong tone of her voice carried away all the pain that was inside him, the things he hid from the world in order to protect it. It filled his soul, lifting him, eyes closing as he sank into the depths of the music, all other thoughts gone from his mind.

Some part of him could still feel the bed he was sitting on, the pillows behind his back. He could feel the tears running unchecked down his face, natural by-products of hearing such beauty touch him so deeply. They didn't make him feel shame though, because they were a sign of his love and devotion to this band that had done so much for him. When his world had been darkest, when his life had not felt worthwhile, Evanescence gave him that worth.

Instead of everyone's _it gets better_ , and _you're so young_ or _suck it up_ , he heard the exact words he could not say to the world. His darkest fears laid bare by this brave woman. She wore her pain openely, sang it for all the world to hear. There was no fear in her, only honestly, openness. She did not hide as he did, she did not run. Instead she accepted her pain and fought to conquer it, and it gave Blaine hope. Someone else understood how hard it was to wakeup some days. Someone else understood that even on good days, nothing seemed worthwhile.

He wasn't alone when he heard her sing. Not a few years ago when the world was at its darkest, and not now when sometimes he still woke up in fear that it'd all fall apart again.

The boy was lost his music, the volume turned up in his headphones to an amount he'd usually abhor. But he made exceptions for Evanescence, of course. Kurt might call him Top Forty and that was true on a good day, but sometimes you needed to hear about something more real than wanting to ride on disco sticks. At times, real, agonizing, murdering pain was needed to really feel alive, to get it all out so that you could face the next day without bursting at the seems.

The feel of a hand on his face, whipping away his tears made Blaine jump, nearly knocking his laptop out of his lap. It was Kurt. Oh right, his boyfriend was going to come over and watch movies today. Crap. Blaine had been downloading the movie when he'd gotten Skye's message, and then everything in his mind had becoming singularly focused on this leaked album and everything it represented to him.

He pulled the headphones out immediately, sitting up straighter. “Hi.”

“Blaine, what happened? Did you get into a fight with your parents?” Kurt asked, sitting down next to him on the bed, clearly worried about his boyfriend. It made Blaine's emotionally full heart overflow.

“I'm fine, it just...” He stopped there, not quite sure what to say. How did he tell his boyfriend that he was crying because he was happy to be in pain? Not physical pain, but a deep emotional pain that was never really going to go away for him. In his day to day life he just learned to deal with it, to get past it and not let it ruin everything he had going for him. Sometimes though, he needed to feel it, to let the emotions exist along side Amy's and to finally feel understood.

Kurt scooted closer, scooping the shorter boy in his arms as Blaine struggled to find the words he needed. “What were you listening to?”

Blaine swallowed, but took the plunge. Maybe it was time someone in his real life understood his love and need for this band, instead of just his fellow Ev board friends. “Evanescence. They're my favourite band.”

He didn't have to be looking at Kurt to know that he was being given a strange look. The boy that sang Katy Perry and P!nk in the middle of the Dalton halls, loved such a dark and depressing band? Not mention, it wasn't exactly a genre that fit into the counter-tenor's repertoire. But Blaine forged on, even if he was clutching to the headphones in his heads like a lifeline, the muted strains of Terry's lead guitar making him feel a bit better. Stronger. Braver.

“Before I started at Dalton, things were... well you know they were hard. The slurs, the violence. It hurt. Everything hurt and nothing seemed, worthwhile. Some days, I'd just get home from school, and collapse. I would barely make it to my room, let alone my bed, before I'd just start silently sobbing. I wouldn't move for hours.”

Blaine felt the arms around him tighten, as if trying to keep him upright, even though they were both lying on a bed.

“I thought about hurting myself, I thought about dying. Even on the good days, when everyone left me alone and my dad said something nice, I still thought about it. Because I knew that soon enough it'd all fall apart again. I didn't see the point anymore, it was all so... painful. I didn't know what to do, or how to tell anyone I felt this way. But then I stumbled upon Evanescence.

“She.. they... the band _saved_ me, Kurt.” Blaine sat up then, looking Kurt in the eye for the first time and seeing that the blue eyes were teary. It nearly made him stop, but he couldn't. “I had felt so alone for so long, and then Amy Lee's voice just penetrated something in me. It got through the fog of darkness and I felt so understood. For the first time in years, someone else knew what it was like to just want to die. But she didn't.”

Blaine sighed, remembering how strong and brave Amy looked when she sang live. He'd been lucky enough to see them a few times they had played near him, school and money not mattering when Evanescence was in town.

“She was brave enough not only to face her darkness, but not to hide it. Everything she sang was just so open and I felt totally loved and understood by this complete stranger. It saved me and made me want to keep going even through the pain. And though I don't necessarily feel that way anymore, not usually, I still love them for saving my life, I owe them so much.”

His last sentence came out like a whisper, eyes downcast again. There it was, out in the open. Now Kurt would tell him he was stupid. Amy Lee didn't write music for him, she didn't know him or care about him. The boy would run away from someone that was clearly more broken than he liked to say, someone that didn't even know how to get through a bad day without some strange woman's voice in his ear. Blaine was pathetic, that's what Kurt was going to say. And then he'd leave.

“Well then, let's see if they're coming to Ohio soon, ok?”

Blaine looked up so fast he nearly gave himself whiplash. Kurt.... wasn't running away? He was encouraging his devotion and love? The boy sat stunned as the counter-tenor put one of the headphones back in his hear, gave his forehead a kiss and started Googling Evanescence concert tickets.

More tears filled his face as the combination of his love for these two made what little self-control he had melt away. He felt so raw, but never more loved. Never better and he couldn't help but think of the perfect Evanescence lyrics to fill this moment:

_Don't look back you're safe now  
Unlock your heart  
Drop your guard  
No one's left to stop you now_


End file.
